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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30105453">I'm Begging You To Take My Hand (Wreck My Plans)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DAgron01/pseuds/DAgron01'>DAgron01</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Charmed (TV 2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abby introspection, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Loathing, Spoilers 3x06, angst and a bit of fluff at the end, canon-divergence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 23:40:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,568</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30105453</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DAgron01/pseuds/DAgron01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It started with the blanket. Mel's blanket. This is the second time she's wrapped herself in it and both times it comforts her.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Takes place within episode three and then goes beyond it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Abigael Jameson-Caine/Mel Vera</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>103</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I'm Begging You To Take My Hand (Wreck My Plans)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Just a short one-shot about the thoughts I've been having all week and sharing on twitter. Thought I'd post them more coherently here and let you all share in my misery and drown with me in my feels. Thanks to those I was screaming about this with--this is for you!</p><p>If you want to follow me on twitter and scream with me about Abigael all hours of the day, I'm @2BeEnough</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Abigael is genuinely terrified for her life. She is. But also, maybe she feels a little bad about her argument with Mel. She doesn’t even know why she called Mel out on her shit anyway. Well, she </span>
  <em>
    <span>does </span>
  </em>
  <span>know, she just doesn’t want to think about it. Calling Mel out and saying she pushes people away because she's scared they’ll leave or can't love her is accurate, she knows it is. She sees Mel so clearly and understands her, because she feels the same way--terrified of being unloved &amp; alone. And it’s far easier to push someone away than risk rejection. Because that’s what it would be, wouldn’t it?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She flirts with Mel. Endlessly. And sometimes it flusters Mel and the indignant huff that belies the flush on her cheeks is delicious in one of Abby’s favorite ways. But sometimes, she knows she oversteps and makes things between them even more awkward. Or worse, Mel refuses to respond at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Abby sighs and burrows further into the couch. So much for choosing </span>
  <em>
    <span>this </span>
  </em>
  <span>outfit to sleep in. Just casual enough to seem like she didn’t intricately plan it. But revealing enough when her bare shoulder is exposed and draws Mel’s attention (likely, against her better judgement). She lets her head rest against the couch, drops the book she brought in case sleep evaded her (but really as an excuse for conversation with Mel if she saw her with it) and snuggles into the blanket Mel gave her before she so angrily departed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She finds comfort when she’s wrapped up in it--it smells like Mel. And it’s warm. Like a hug (if she would ever allow herself the sentimentality of that thought). But also, to have someone care enough to simply </span>
  <em>
    <span>offer</span>
  </em>
  <span> her a blanket when everyone else in her life wants things </span>
  <em>
    <span>from</span>
  </em>
  <span> her--that’s what made her fall for Mel in the first place. Mel is the embodiment of warmth, comfort and love. She wasn’t used to it at first. She still isn’t, if she’s being honest (honestly isn’t something she usually values. Or it hadn’t been, until recently). And  yet, it’s hard to have no one to reach out to when she’s terrified except for someone who "pretends" to be indifferent to her. She prefers to think that Mel’s indifference is an act. Sure, the Charmed Ones are unbearably loyal, and good, and pure of heart. But Mel isn’t necessarily kind just for the sake of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Abigael knows that. She experienced it when they first met. Mel is the reserved one. The cautious and untrusting one. She is the hardest of the sisters to connect with and doesn’t let people in easily. So she doesn’t just do things like invite Abby to stay over to keep her safe, or offer her own blanket. Abby tells herself there is more to it. That Mel </span>
  <em>
    <span>does</span>
  </em>
  <span> care, even if it’s not in the way Abigael wishes she would. And she also tells herself that that’s enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She closes her eyes as she thinks back to the argument. The </span>
  <em>
    <span>reason </span>
  </em>
  <span>for the argument. Ruby.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Abigael laughs to herself. Okay, Ruby wasn’t the reason they fought. It was Abigael inserting herself into the situation on purpose, because yeah, it was definitely on purpose. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But they aren’t good for each other. They seemed to be struggling with the distance thing. The ‘no touching’ thing. And jealousy; because Ruby has people she can get close to. And maybe Abby knows more about the situation than Mel realizes because she </span>
  <em>
    <span>may </span>
  </em>
  <span>have been spying on them on their date earlier before she called Mel for help. But the truth is that Mel deserves someone who will wait for her. Someone who is okay with just being around her in any capacity. Sex, though fun and definitely something she wants to experience with Mel, is not the only thing that matters. It isn’t like the Charmed Ones won’t find a cure for what ails them. But the point is, even if they didn’t, Abby would still want to be with Mel. To be in her presence. To know that no matter how bad she’s been, that Mel wouldn’t leave her. And to remind Mel every single day, that no matter how hard Mel tries to push her away--Abby won’t let her. She may be terrified of rejection, and she may have trust and abandonment issues, but she is also stubborn. And, in this case, her vice might be a virtue. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She lets thoughts of Mel carry her into a peaceful slumber. She inhales the scent of Mel. Warmth like spice and bonfires. It’s comforting like autumn. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She awakens suddenly disoriented and looks at Mel in fear. She doesn’t know what terrifies her the most: someone trying to kill her or it all being in her head. On top of everything else, she can’t live with the fact that what is afflicting her maybe can’t be seen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you see it? Did you see the monster?” She asks. Begs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her eyes are wide and searching. She needs to know. But she is horrified of what the answer may be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Abby, the monster’s you.” Mel tells her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fear immobilizes her. She can’t even be comforted by Mel’s easy use of the nickname.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She half-heartedly explains everything in more detail. Confides in Mel about her whole, sadly tragic existence. She leaves shortly after because she can’t take Mel’s insincere concern when Abby knows that she is disgusted by her. By what she saw. The part of herself she can’t deny anymore. She isn’t sure she wants to. Not after losing everything in one foul swoop.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was made to hate that part of herself. The demon side. And when she allows herself to think of it, it makes sense that the demon would attack the human/witch part of her. They loathe each other. She feels the battle raging inside. Two very distinct parts of herself. She truly hates both of them, which she doesn’t want to dwell on. She hates the witch side because she doesn’t want to be anything like her mom and sister. She doesn’t want them to win. But she was told to hate her demon side--to hide it because it was disgusting and awful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The demon side gives her power, and she likes being the Overlord. She likes that control. The fear she instills in others. But, she doesn’t want Mel to fear her. To look at her the same way her family always did. It sucks never being enough. Not witch enough. Not demon enough. Not good enough for someone to love her; to have someone love her despite what she is. To see all the bad bits and love her anyway. To see that she isn’t perfect, and she isn’t good, but she’s trying. To be better. She’s never going to be the kind of person Mel is looking for. She knows it was stupid to think she could see her as anything other than what she is. And if Abigael doesn’t even like herself, how can she expect anyone else to like her? Especially Mel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She swallows another gulp of whiskey. To drown out the thoughts. To dull the pain. To distract herself from the fact that a part of her is trying to kill the other. It’s all so overwhelmingly real. Does she have to choose a side? If so, what happens to the shred of humanity she has left within her? She may not be a good person, but she enjoys being a person. She </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>enjoys her human body. She can be self-loathing </span>
  <em>
    <span>and </span>
  </em>
  <span>vain at the same time. She is talented and can multitask. She is made of multitudes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A knock on the door draws her from her tormented spiral of thoughts. She sighs regrettably as she walks over to open it. She doesn’t know for sure who would appear at her house as soon as the sun was up, but she does have a guess. Yet, she doesn’t dare voice it, even internally, because she doesn’t want hope to take root. She has no room left for it. Nor does she have the strength to quell it if it arises.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She opens the door to find a flustered Mel and she schools her features not to react. Especially when she sees her book in Mel’s hand. Of course she would feel compelled to do the right thing and return it before telling her that she wants Abby out of her life for good. Just like her mom all those years ago, and her sister reiterated a few weeks ago. She’s used to the rejection. The feeling of being abandoned, yet again by someone she allowed herself to care about. But being familiar with the feeling doesn’t lessen the pain. Doesn’t even dampen it at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see you found my book.” She smirks, securing her unaffected mask in its proper place. Then she raises an eyebrow. “I would have hoped you’d keep it a little longer. Perhaps learn a thing or two.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mel huffs and rolls her eyes, but the faintest blush splatters across her cheeks. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Interesting…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am a lesbian, Abby, I know how sex works.” She shakes her head and glares at her. “And I currently am cursed to stay away from almost everybody, so it’s not like I wanted the reminder.” She sighs and frowns as she continues. “And did you really bring sapphic porn into my house?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Abigael bursts out laughing. “It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>literature.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” She smiles sincerely this time. “I was just getting to the good bits. I wanted to see what would happen.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Glad to know that you are able to still find joy in the small things...considering…” Mel’s voice is softer. “Are you okay? You left without a word.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were otherwise preoccupied.” Abby replies drolly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mel rolls her eyes. “Yeah, Ruby, um...it didn’t work out. And before you apologize, the break-up wasn’t your fault.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Abby smirks again. “Bold of you to assume I was going to apologize.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever. Anyway, you never answered my question. How are you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Abby shrugs as she attempts to appear nonchalant about it. “Oh you know, I’m having an existential crisis. Freud would have a field day. Especially since I genuinely do have mommy and daddy issues.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mel smiles and it doesn’t appear to be forced or out of pity. Abby counts it as a win.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You're better than you know, Abby. Neither side is worse than the other, and you aren’t a bad person.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Abby raises an eyebrow in question. “I’m not a good one either.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel like…” Mel sighs. “I know that a lot of it will have to take a lot of work...accepting yourself. Maybe integrating both parts of yourself fully. But just so you know, you aren’t alone. I can’t do the work for you, but I’m also not going anywhere.” She leans against the door frame. “I’m not scared of you.” She looks imploringly at Abby. “I’m scared </span>
  <em>
    <span>for </span>
  </em>
  <span>you. I want you to be okay. To be safe. To know that you matter to someone...even if it’s just me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Just you? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Mel, you’re the only one I want to matter to. </span>
  </em>
  <span>She thinks it, but isn’t brave enough to say the words out loud.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does this mean more sleepovers? I mean, if you want me to feel safe and all?” She flirts as she steps closer to Mel, but keeps far enough away for them to not activate the curse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mel rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “My favorite blanket already smells like you now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was meant to be teasing, maybe even a bit flirty. But Abigael can’t help dwelling on the fact that Mel didn’t just give her </span>
  <em>
    <span>a </span>
  </em>
  <span>blanket, but she leant Abby her </span>
  <em>
    <span>favorite </span>
  </em>
  <span>blanket. Twice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mel frowns. “Also, what kind of lipstick do you wear?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wouldn’t you like to know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would actually, that’s why I asked. Because I had to wash your glass three times before it would come off.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s some dedication you have there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something shifts in Abigael at that moment. The easy banter just like it always had been proves that Mel meant it when she said she isn’t scared of her. And she genuinely cares about her. Her well-being. Her life. Her very existence. And it’s been so long since Abby had anyone give a shit about her. All she ever wanted was for someone to see &amp; accept all of her. And maybe to show her how to do the same. To learn to love the ugly bits of herself she was always forced to hide. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hates that hope bubbles in her chest. She hates that it feels a lot like love. Except, she doesn’t hate it at all. She can’t hate herself for wanting to be happy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And with the way Mel is smiling at her, and her eyes shine brightly, Abby finds it a little harder to hate herself at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where’d you go just now? In your mind? You looked...happy.” Mel studies her. “It looks good on you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Abby smiles brightly at her in return. “Yeah, well, stick around, you might get used to seeing it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mel smiles back. “Now see, usually, that would sound vaguely like a threat.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Abby knows it’s a plea. And she’s okay with letting herself be vulnerable</span>
  <em>
    <span> just this once</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “And now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now, it sounds like you need my reassurance; so I’ll give it to you. I’m here. Always.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who’s threatening who now?” Abby teases.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mel laughs and Abby can’t help thinking that happiness looks good on her, too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry about what I said to you? About you pushing people away. I was talking more about myself than you.” Abby admits.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You weren’t wrong. I’m scared of people hurting me so I don’t let them close enough to get the chance. Usually. I...I know I’m an...acquired taste.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Abby raises an eyebrow and contemplates using an innuendo, but decides against it. She doesn’t need to push too hard, too fast. They have time. Mel isn’t going anywhere. Mel knows absolutely everything about her, and she’s still here. And that’s enough. For now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re lucky I have a palate for rare wines.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mel frowns and tilts her head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Abby knows that it was far from her best pick-up line, but what’s a demon to do?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Was that...did you just say something nice to me?” Mel looks genuinely amused and almost excited.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I say loads of nice things to you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mel looks skeptical. “You flirt with me. You tease me. Sometimes you give me a back-handed compliment. But...you didn’t insinuate that I was weird or awful, only that I was rare and maybe even expensive.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Abby rolls her eyes and sighs. “Now don’t go overboard.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mel smiles at her fondly and it melts Abby’s cold-dead heart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you don’t make a big deal out of it every time I try...I may do it more often.” She shrugs indifferently even as she feels anything but.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mel is practically bouncing on her toes. “Deal.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And maybe the embarrassment is worth it. Because if she thought Mel seemed happy before, the smile she bestows upon her this time could put the sun to shame. And it’s equally as warm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And, hope be damned, but Abby thinks she might have a chance. A </span>
  <em>
    <span>real</span>
  </em>
  <span> chance at something good. Someday.</span>
</p>
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